It's More Than Unsettling.

I'm realizing just how easy it is to forget why I'm here. Why is it that it's so easy to forget the reality and the fire of Jesus? How is it that here, where I'm surrounded by people who share my beliefs, I'm waning. It's like walking in a daze. I go to church but I skip chapel for extra study time. I get annoyed with Bible study even though I signed up for it. Why? I know that there was a point where Christ was the only thing that made living worth while, my only reason for dragging myself out of bed each day. As cliche as that sounds, every word is true. So where did it go? I want the fire back, the passion and the joy of knowing Jesus. Did I let it fall to the wayside because I didn't know what to do with it? Or did I cringe away from what I should do because I'm scared? I'm not sure about anything anymore. I know how fast things fall apart without him. I don't want to suffer through that kind of thing again. I want to meet him again, but I don't know where to go. I'm not the brave person that walks into city streets to talk to homeless people. I'm not the girl that stands up and shares her testimony. I'm not even sure I want to be. But... What does it look like to live as a Christian? I have no doubts, no qualms about what I believe, but what does it mean to live that? And why does it feel like nobody has the answers? I feel so lost anyway, what with all my "issues." I'm not any sort of capable for sharing the gospel. I can't even get a handle on my own life. So what am I supposed to do? God uses the weak of the world? How is he going to use me? Or is he doing it and I'm missing it? I feel like I'm looking through dark heavy mist, and if I could just strain a little more, then I could see it, but I can't.

"Oh believe me I have tried
To work this outside from the inside
But then I finally realized
I just need to move on with my life

Gotta make something happen
Not just sit around and wait for it
This place is like a prison
I think I'm going to make a break for it
Whoa-oh here I go--
It's like I'm living for the first time
Whoa-oh here I go--
And I'm thinking it's the first time I've felt alive

I've been suppressed
I've been let down
Been pushed aside
Been pushed around
There's only one thing that I need
And that's something you can't take from me

Move up, move on
You blink, I'm gone
I've only got one life to live
I'll live it now
You have your doubts
I'll prove them wrong
This is the only thing I know
So here I go!"
-"Here I Go" Relient K